-Arrive
late, stinky, slovenly, dishevelled. Leave stink on people
such as smoke or poo.
-Always
bust someone's bubble and waste their effort. Be a real
Troll.
-Ask
for favors and revise them as you go along. Make it really
ridiculous.
-Lay
guilt and lay it on thick.
-Pretend
you know everything about whatever is being said.
-Act
like king. Be a real snob.
-Bully
people around, especially as a Viceroy.
-Express
how what other people do is wrong, immoral or beneath you.
-Call
everyone names.
-TOUCH
OTHER PEOPLE and do it often.
-Play
with yourself alone and in public.
-Act
like a real nutbag.
-Proclaim
gloom, doom, and catastrophy. Especially while being
dishevelled and stinky.
-Exert
a lot of energy in no particular direction. Grandstand on
nonsense.
-Always
overreact, especially to perceived slights and special requests.
-Fight
others always, and blame them for it while denying it altogether.
-Always
live beyind your means and surround yourself with fluffy
objects. Brag about your t.v. and stuff.
-Always
raise hell about your stuff and make people think they damaged
it. Seek restitution.
-Get a
couple of minions. Or pose as your own minion.
-Make
sure everything you touch turns to shit.
-Always
assume self interest on the part of others. Let no good
deed go unpunished.
-Milk
all favors, repay exhaustion with bitterness and spite.
-Always
be busy doing nothing.
-Hide
in your shell until you lash out. Very important. Be a
dick. Then retreat. Scream bloody murder if you get caught.
-Act
childish. Speak nonsense. Make goo-goo gaa-gaa sounds.
Drool.
-Always
demand a much higher degree of precision and satisfaction than
you are prepared to give.
-Always
assume that whatever was said is about you and needs a sharp
retort.
-Fill
all uncomfortable silences with much more comfortable noise coming
from your mouth an elsewhere.
-Perform
deep personal hygiene in public.
-Deliberate
in all doorways.
-Relay
everything you are told or think of, especially if it is private,
embarassing, or intestinal.
-Spend
lots of time on the internet. Read only Ramparts, and
Alexjones.
-Play
lots of Game Boy, or Jewelz if you have a cellphone.
-Always
be on the cellphone, especially while drinking Starbucks and
driving over babies in strollers.
-Get
in
peoples' business. Really manage their affairs.
Preferably badly.
-Drink,
smoke, fuck around.
-Act
like a clown.
-Trip.
Bang into things. Drive with no license. Cause car
accidents.
-Honk
your horn for three minute intervals. Always violate
lane. Use high beams during the day. Order additional sodium
headlights.
-Call
your estranged children. Blow their happy streak.
-Rearrange
peoples' rooms. Relocate their stuff. Break and
enter first.
-Play
practical jokes that serve no purpose. Make sure you fuck
yourself over too. (It helps erase motive.)
-Flake
off when people talk to you. Fall asleep, or better yet
stare at a point just past their head. Dilate the pupils a bit.
-Call
people you do not know. Use a prerecorded message.
Offer them a Florida Vacation, or better yet, promise them immunity
from unwarranted annoyance.
-Spray
Lysol and Febreeze everywhere. Incessantly.
-Pretend
you are gay. Pretend you are not gay.
-Correct
peoples' choice of words. Unless it is you. In
which case split hairs. Words don't mean anything anyway.
-Neither
does spelling. Say "ur" instead of "you are." Use
words like "prolly" especially on a resume.
-Only
speak in five hour increments. Make it loud, about the
anatomy of womens' shoes, and say "omyGAWD" in between words.
-Molest
children whenever you can.
-Fight
the World Trade Organization. All the time. At any
event, and with anyone. Make sure all your friends are there.
-Tell
everyone they are wrong, evil, capitalist or racist sexist
homophobes.
-Always
insist that people just don't understand you and therefore not
to judge you. Call everyone a bigot.
-Make
impertinent interjections. Let no communication or activity
go uninterrupted.
-Always
fight against categories. Insist upon open mindedness in
everyone, except for the protected classes.
-Where
no oppression exists, create oppression and then fight it.
-Beg
for money. Moralize. Eat out of dumpsters and then tell
the world it's their fault. Play acoustic guitar. If you don't
get a record deal, murder the A&R and his family.
-Take
out big ads in newspapers claming nobody understands you.
-Be
lazy. Sickly. Undisciplined. Rash. Issue
vague condemnations of everyone and everything.
-Cultivate
an emaciated or obese figure. Nothing in the middle.
-Always
have a good reason why you can't do anything. Call it
"building a consensus." Misspell consensus.
-Mumble
when you speak. Be a twerp.
-Always
try to get in touch with other peoples' feelings.
-Always
refer to "the policy" or the previously stated evasion.
-Be a
prude. Insist on solidarity. Insult and retreat.
Blackball people. Don't do it alone. Form asshole committees.
-Abstain
from everything. Insist on abstinence from everyone else.
