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| Milwiki
Stalking by Matt Luckett |
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Over Memorial Day weekend, I traveled from Boston to Milwaukee to attend an informal reunion with several friends from my alma matter, Marquette. By sheer coincidence, one of Flipside’s main targets in the Great Wikipedia War, Orange Mike, happens to live and work in the Brew City. When Flip discovered my vacation plans, he asked me if I would be willing to help expand Haters Magazine’s media market and distribute an article savaging Orange Mike on his home turf. Given my love for mischief and Haters Magazine (the two go hand in hand), how could I refuse? I flew into Milwaukee’s General Mitchell Airport on Saturday, May 24th, with a suitcase full of uppers, downers, screamers, and laughers – all contained within fifty copies of the latest magazine issue. My target was Renaissance Books: the large, independent bookstore downtown where Orange Mike peddled his used cookbooks and pulp science fiction novels. I planned to descend on his workplace with my magazines and present one to him directly, asking in the process whether I could place them on his news rack for distribution. After reading the missive, frothing with rage, he would then venture out later on for a hard-won mocha latte, only to find the magazines on display in his favorite neighborhood coffee shop! It was quite a plan, and I did end up distributing Haters Magazine to half a dozen stores and coffee shops in the area surrounding Renaissance Books. In my hurry to climb into a rental car and rush off to the evening’s drinking, however, I failed to check out the Renaissance Books satellite store less than fifty feet away in the airport terminal. Inside, Orange Mike was finishing up a long day’s work of recommending dusty tomes to weary travelers. As it happens, the main store downtown would be closed for the weekend, and would not reopen until three hours before my plane was scheduled to take off. When I visited the main store that following Tuesday, I learned that Orange Mike only worked Saturdays at the airport store . . . in an attempt to rectify my tactical error, I swung by the terminal store on my way to security to drop off a copy. The cashier at the store was kind enough to place the issue in a paper bag, labeled “To Orange Mike, From Flipside” . . . hopefully he received it without a problem, but not without incident.During the course of my magazine
distribution efforts, I took several pictures of my adventures, which
include
sparring with Evangelicals on Wisconsin Avenue on a Sunday afternoon
and decorating the
third floor upholstery in a large downtown bookstore.
 Renaissance Books, front  Store is closed. I say it’s open!  A souvenir for passerby. I stuck this in the window.  One of many newsstands that now feature Haters Mag. This one was located at Café Mocha, about two blocks south of Renaissance Books. The owner gave me permission to stick it in.  This is outside the Grand Avenue Mall, about two blocks south and two blocks west of Renaissance Books. This is on a Sunday afternoon. The people in the background were religious nuts, handing out their Jesus wares to unsuspecting pedestrians. I decided to compete with them on the other side of the plaza by offering free rap magazines. There were several takers.  Me handing out magazines. I then stood across the street and did the same thing once the religious people set up shop there to get away from me. They then accosted me for my choice of apparel. Assholes.  An advertisement inside the Grand Avenue Mall. I threw this in there because this guy looks JUST LIKE the villain from Superman III.  Inside Renaissance Books on Tuesday morning. The whole place looks like this. This was taken on the third floor – couldn’t get too many shots in, since the sales people have nothing better to do than to roam around.  I am speechless at the sheer volume of books available here.  Since Mike wasn’t around and the place was a pigsty, there were no good locations for placing the magazine. So, I chose several unattended chairs on the third floor to place the volumes on. Would someone get the message, or would it inadvertently end up stuck under a fat orange ass?  This chair overlooks the Milwaukee River. Not quite the Charles, but quaint nonetheless.  Me in a bookstore.  I placed a couple of magazines in here, too. Will the message go unnoticed? _____________________________________________________________________________ Editors Notes: The only thing creepier than sending our minions (or enterprising associates) to Milwaukee to stalk Wikipedians should be the fact that Haters Magazine has several of them, all of whom are named Matt, and all of whom have a masters at Marquette. This particular Matt has the unique property that when you Auto Adjust his levels in a photograph, Photoshop removes all the red from the entire photo. At least the unlicensed version does. Fortunately, Matt was heading to Milwaukee anyway, but that in no way minimizes his dangerousness or the global reach of Haters Magazine. We should be envisioned as an octopus whose tentacles encircle the globe in a slimy suction grip. Orange Mike was selected for attention because he killed our Wikipedia account. Wikipedia administrators have been trying to kill Matt's accounts as well but have only succeeded in banning the Fenway colleges from using Wikipedia. A special June issue of Haters Magazine was created in six days for the purpose of this mission. On the seventh day, we rested. The guy who means business really is the villain from Superman
III so don't send us letters comfirming this. The letters on the cardboard box do
not stand for Win Animal Rights. Win Animal
Rights (locally) is
Bill Budington and Derek
Garcia, and they are both persons of interest
to the FBI. They also support the IWW, of which Orange Mike is a
member. For more on the life and times of
Orange Mike, eat big, put on an orange jumpsuit and go to Star Trek
conventions. Or click this link. |
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