(Based on What Idiot
Natchie and Other Pea Brains Think About Themselves)
Since all of these organizations are the same, I will use RAAN (the Red
& Anarchist Network) as
the template from which to lampoon the
others. RAAN, an anarchist network which promotes an indie punk label,
has some pretty stupid ideas. They are not unique, but rather
common
to the whole "scene." (Insert music genre here.)
RAAN is really a Montana-based nutbag named Natchie who claims he/it
has "affiliation" rather than "membership" because his network has a
self-conception (!) of being a deliberate permanent contradiction which
does not authorize or ordain participation, preferring to attract
wingnuts on an ad hoc basis and letting them claim the RAAN name
wherever they commit acts of destruction. This allegedly upholds
anarchism and individual autonomy while maintaining a common ethos of
Communism between its agents.
In reality, the semantic difference between an affiliation and a
membership is the difference between a "brotherhood" and the statement
"X is a member of Y." Such hairsplitting amounts to nonsense,
since
one is a member of a
brotherhood, and "affiliate" simply means become a brother to,
which means to join an organization, family, or set. From here we
conclude that anarchist organizations have these preliminary
requirements:
1 that Its Members be for Destroying
Government
2 that Its Members be in Denial About the Nature
of Being Members
3 that It be Organized in
Cells and Lone Actors
4 that The Primary Cell Does
Not Issue Directives to the Other Cells,
5 that The Wingnut Who Runs
the Primary Cell Created it to be Anyone's Whore
Such organizations claim that the transient
and emergent nature
of their organization, and the intentional ambiguity of its nature is
due to the complexities of a changing e.g. evolutionary revolutionary
environment. Thus we add requirement:
6 that Its Members be Immature
Adolescents Posturing as Mysterious and Abstract Political Forces
Since such teens and arrested development adults cannot distinguish
self-inflicted suffering from other-inflicted suffering, the basis of
their posture must be:
7 that Its Members Openly Formulate or
Phrase Their Personal Crises as Global Problematics
8 that Its Members Confuse
Their Own Struggle Against Self-Sabotage With a Marxist Historical
Materialist Imperative to Liberate All Humanity from Exploitation
Which necessitates:
8 that Its Recruitment Process be
Youth-Oriented to Sustain Interest and Conserve Solipsism
Which necessitates:
9 that It be Organized also
as Self-Informing Cults, Collectives, and Help Groups 10
that It have a
Negatory Moral System including a Prior Restraint Against Speaking or
Acting Against the Group Vector (See "Solidarity" and "Stop Snitchin'")
Which necessitates:
11 that It have Rules
(After All) in the Form of By-Laws (generally called Principles or
Points of Unity) 12 that These
Principles be the Magnum Opus of the Birdbrain Who Founded the
Organization 13 that These
Principles be Generic Enough to Match the Dumb Average Intellect of Its
Membership's Statistical Majority 14 that These Principles be Publicly
Declared to be the Products of a Consensus (and that "Consensus" be
Misspelled) 15 thatThe
Organization, now shown to be Centralized but Claimed to be
Decentralized, is Largely a Figment of His Imagination
Which necessitates:
16 that Its Founder be Lonely and Call For
the Creation of More Cells Than His Own, to be Laid Out According to
This Or That Plan
Which has the inherent liability:
17 that Its Founder is Bullshitting the
Public by Encouraging them to Autonomously Adopt His Self-Contradictory
Ideas 18 that These Ideas be Numbered,
Magically, in Primes, or Symmetrically Composite Evens
Which means:
19 that The Organization be a Secret
Society or Cabal Based on the Troglodyte's Understanding of
Networking. (See Kabbala) 20 that The Organization Considers Actions
In Its Name as True Membership
Which has the fatal flaw:
21 that ANYONE Can Act in its Name, Which
Ultimately Makes Any Affiliate Fair Game Punishable Under Law
Which really means:
22 that Once Murder, Arson, Kidnapping,
Crack-Dealing or Larceny is Committed in the Name of the Organization,
It is Finished
(See MOVE, Branch Davidians, Al Qaida)
Above all it is imperative:
23 that After
Writing Such Scary Manifestoes and Publishing Them Online, The Author
Disclaim Responsibility for Stooges Acting Out the Crimes He Advocated,
Explained, Directed, or Rationalized--Claiming First
Amendment Rights
Which ignores the basic irony:
25 that The
Founder Advocates Rights Which He Erroneously Believes Could Exist
Apart From Other Constitutional Provisions Such As Borders, Coinage,
Weapons,
Armies, and Confederations e.g. States
And:
26 that The
Anarchist Advocates a State (in the generic sense of the term) Albeit a
Very Stupid One, only Conceivable within the Freedom of a Less Stupid
One
Which necessitates:
27 that Anarchism
be an Unformalized Extensible Markup Language With a Kantian/Anselmic
Emphasis on Creating Conceivable Contradictions (such as the
Conceivable-Inconceivable)
Which necessitates:
28 that Anarchism May Be Modelled in
Hypertext, This Very Webpage Being a Prime Example
And which explains why it is the case:
29 that Anarchists Favor Wiki, RSS, Dada,
and IMC Networks
And also why it is the case:
30 that Anarchists
are Subservient Subprocesses within the Global Information Grid/Milnet
and They are Easily Mapped, Tracked, and Simulated; Pawns of the
Cyberfascist Paradigm
To Conclude, there are many exciting and
outrageous ways to promote your album, but the ways described above are
not done by Needlepoint Entertainment. We also do not run
Temples. We do regularly tangle with and expose or annoy those
other organizations to promote OUR albums. That is because we are
better than they are. In keeping with the true spirit of Hip Hop,
we say what we want and we don't care what they think.
